the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
