ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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