My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
