i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
