the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
of course. lets lasso hookers.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
