I looked at my own cervix.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
