a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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