life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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