VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
