i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
