I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
