I think I won the penis lottery.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
