genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
