so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
