Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
