so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hippo gnu deer
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
