It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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