david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
