you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
