my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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