some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
