Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
