I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
