This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
