just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
