I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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