I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
