why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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