The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
