I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
