dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
