Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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