he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
