come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
