I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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