final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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