you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
