I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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