Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
