just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
