Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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