I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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