I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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