so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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