I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
