you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
