billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
