Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
