There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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