I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
