That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
